Today, we depart from my usual column, so grab your
ticket, climb aboard, and ride
the Crazy Train with Ozzy and
me. We all know my columns tend to
push the boundaries of convention, and
this is not the first thing I have written
where the wheelsets leave the tracks.
However, in this instance, it’s not my
own sanity that’s under scrutiny. Today,
we focus on the personalities of those
peculiar individuals whose paths we
cross while in the field, juggling our jerry
jugs.
Among our treasured clients —
upon whom we rely for our daily
bread — it’s an acknowledged truth that
eccentricity often reigns supreme. There
are some real lulus out there. And we,
invited into their backyards to clean out
their skimmers, get a rare intimate view.
After a few years, we come to a point
where nothing surprises us anymore.
And then one day, it does.
I’m sure you’ve had your share of
puzzling patrons, but can they top these
I encountered while wielding a telepole?
THE ‘L M A’
This retail phenomenon seems to
exclusively occur when customers
stroll in with a water test five minutes
before we’re set to close shop — a
phenomenon we fondly refer to as the
‘Last Minute A-Hole.’ Not the person
who knows what they want, grabs
it from a shelf, and hits the counter
quickly. No, this patron always keeps
us on our toes, presenting a slew of
inquiries with the sense of urgency of a
slug, belying the lateness of the hour.
THE ‘WICCA’
Entering the store with visible
frustration, this customer expresses
mystical disappointment that the
algae treatment they purchased failed
to deliver the promised results. The
underlying issue becomes apparent
after engaging with the customer and
discussing the steps taken. Simply
said, witchcraft cannot banish algae.
In her impassioned explanation,
she discloses that she followed the
instructions by pouring half of the
contents of the container around the
pool. However, instead of dispersing
it into the water, it remains, forming
what she describes as a ‘magic circle’
on the deck just beyond the coping.
THE ‘CREEPY CHESTER’
This character is undeniably odd, sending
shivers down your spine with each
awkward encounter. There’s a whisper of
antisocial personality disorder mingled
with a hint of voyeurism about them.
They lurk in the shadows, their unsettling
gaze making you second-guess yourself
at every turn. Their ‘Chester’ tendencies
suggest a fascination with covert
observation, finding pleasure in intruding
into others’ lives without consent. Their
eyes peer through parted blinds, tracking
the technician’s every move around the
pool area.
THE ‘RUDY LADY’
Meet the frequent flier whose
flamboyant antics kept me on edge,
my sanity hanging precariously in the
balance. Fueled by a cocktail of liquid
courage and an unquenchable thirst for
attention, she storms into my busy store,
beckoning to me while falsely claiming
to be carrying my child as she navigates
the warehouse, eventually cornering
me in the backroom atop a ladder while
collecting F.I.T.s items for the floor.
Despite my attempts to escape, she
ensures she has seized the spotlight.
After two or three incidents, my team
would notify me of her arrival, and I
would disappear out the back door.
THE ‘TRIPPER DICKER’
This pool owner manipulates the
trippers on the time clock for the pool
motor to minimize the pump’s daily
runtime and save on electrical costs.
Despite programming the system
for just an hour a day, they’re quick
to blame the pool technician for any
sign of cloudy water. When I spot the
trippers reset, I carefully loosen and
remove each one before discreetly
disposing of them over their fence.
THE ‘CHOOCH’
Here’s where reason takes a backseat,
and skepticism takes the wheel. They
have the whole six-pack, but the plastic
thing that holds it all together is missing,
leaving the aluminum cans rolling
around the bed of the truck. Despite
overwhelming evidence, they reject basic
scientific principles, convinced their
saltwater pool is void of chlorine. It’s
baffling, like witnessing a psychological
drama unfolding before you.
Just wait until their salt cell fails, and
as they await a replacement, they protest
vehemently to your addition of liquid,
insistent that chlorine has nothing to do
with its clarity.
THE ‘CLEVER TRAPSTER’
This particular breed is exceptionally
crafty, at least in their own mind,
similar to Wile E. Coyote in its cunning,
but you have Road Runner written all
over you. They employ various tactics
to test the competence of pool service
professionals. One of their favorite
ploys is the old “rock on the skimmer
lid” trick. They might switch it up by
placing an ACME patio chair over the
lid on alternating weeks. As for me, I
empty the basket and return the rock
to its original position. This often
results in a phone call, but I’ve got
the photo of the technician emptying
the basket, and sending that can be
incredibly rewarding.
THE ‘JOKER’S SISTER’
Actually, it just so happens that she’s the
sister of an actor who played the comic
book villain on screen. Other than that,
she’s pretty normal, but we dubbed her
with the nickname, so here she is, as she
might look starring in the title role of,
“The Joker’s Sister.” Coming soon!
THE ‘YOUTUBE BOOB’
Meet the devotee of online tutorials
whose allegiance rivals that of a
steadfast cult member. Diving into the
digital realm with a tall glass of Kool-
Aid, they eagerly devour every D.I.Y.
hack as gospel truth, believing that a
mere five-minute video can transform
them into a pool maintenance virtuoso.
The ‘YouTube Boob’ champions
unconventional solutions, like insisting
you add Tito’s Vodka instead of algaecide
to their swamp vomit green pool.
THE ‘YENTA’
Have you ever envisioned positioning a
swatch of duct tape across a customer’s
mouth? This one can’t seem to keep
quiet. The Yenta’s constant chatter
transforms every service call into an
impromptu therapy. It feels like being
trapped in an endless reality TV show
where the ‘Yenta’ is in her own spotlight.
It’s all harmless fun until the day the
‘Yenta’ shares their suspicion of their
spouse’s infidelity — a scene ripped
straight from the Lifetime channel —
and one I’d rather not be involved in.
THE ‘SPACE INVADER’
Enter the ‘Space Invader’, whose knack for
encroaching personal boundaries rivals
that of an asteroid caught in the Earth’s
gravity. With a hint of social ineptitude
and a dash of boundary issues, they latch
onto you like an unwavering barnacle,
transforming routine pool maintenance
into a delicate evasion dance. In one
unforgettable encounter, the ‘Space
Invader’ closed in so tightly that he
repeatedly collided with the pool service
tech, prompting a clumsy exchange of
apologies and side steps until the tech fell
into the pool. That was our last day at this
one due to the lack of understanding of
personal space and social cues.
THE ‘CRAZY PIG LADY’
This one began with what we thought
was an ordinary individual. The
colossal house sat amidst the serene
backdrop of a horse farm, surrounded
by carnivorous nepenthes in hanging
baskets and the occasional squawk
of a peacock in the distance — her
pool — a shimmering sanctuary
not for her but for her grunting
companion. She wasn’t forthcoming
about the pool being a pig pool, but
the excessive filter maintenance and
chemical consumption were a dead
giveaway. Though this customer was
happy to pay more, her lap-swimming
Vietnamese pig, who had its own room
in her house, is why we decided to
walk away.
THE ‘WINGNUT’
This is where D.I.Y. ambitions and
online hacks clash in a grand display
of overconfidence. They’re convinced
they’ve mastered pool maintenance,
embodying the Dunning-Kruger effect,
blissfully unaware of their ineptitude.
From trusting dubious algae-killing
solutions like Mr. Clean Magic Erasers
to placing unwavering faith in copper
pipe fixes in the skimmer, they
epitomize the blind leading the blind.
This is the house along the route where
you’re fixing a half-finished filter install
abandoned by the enthusiastic but
clueless DIYer who started them.
THE ‘DIP STICK’
Enter the scrutineer, whose relentless
gaze across the pool leaves you secondguessing
every action. With a sprinkle
of paranoia and a hint of control-freak
tendencies, she hovers over you like a
helicopter parent; you are stuck between
charging her for pool service or pool
school. This is the same customer that
requires a spot check of your work,
bringing water samples to 17-year-old
Timmy at the pool store, and then reports
back to you the errors of your ways.
CONCLUSION:
THEY MAKE IT FUN
Every customer is a character, and
everyone reveals a unique facet of
human behavior. A day in the life of a
pool service technician can, without
notice, shift from sitcom to drama
to “Naked & Afraid” with each new
stop on the route, or each turn of
the turnstyle. But we wouldn’t have it
any other way — these loveable and
laughable customers add flair to what
might otherwise be an incredibly lonely,
isolated day.